高山上的呼喊-go tell it on the mountain-第13部分

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　could　see；　her　life　awaited　her。
　　The　woman　on　the　bed　was　old；　her　life　was　fading　as　the　mist　rose。　She　thought　of　her　mother　asalready　in　the　grave；　and　she　would　not　let　herself　be　strangled　by　the　hands　of　the　dead。
　　‘I’m　going；　Ma；’　she　said。　‘I　got　to　go。’
　　Her　mother　leaned　back；　face　upward　to　the　light　and　began　to　cry。　Gabriel　moved　toFlorence’s　side　and　grabbed　her　arm。　She　looked　up　into　his　face　and　saw　that　his　eyes　were　full　oftears。
　　‘You　can’t　go；’　he　said。　‘You　can’t　go。　You　can’t　go　and　leave　your　mother　thisaway。　Sheneed　a　woman；　Florence；　to　help　look　after　her。　What　she　going　to　do　here；　all　alone　with　me？’
　　She　pushed　him　from　her　and　moved　to　stand　over　her　mother’s　bed。
　　‘Ma；’　she　said；　‘don’t　be　like　that。　Ain’t　a　thing　can　happen　to　me　up　North　can’t　happen　tome　here。　God’s　everywhere；　Ma。　Ain’t　no　need　to　worry。’
　　She　knew　that　she　was　mouthing　words；　and　she　realized　suddenly　that　her　mother　scornedto　dignify　these　words　with　her　attention。　She　had　granted　Florence　the　victory—with　apromptness　that　had　the　effect　of　making　Florence；　however　dimly　and　unwillingly；　wonder　if　hervictory　was　real。　She　was　not　weeping　for　her　daughter’s　future；　she　was　weeping　for　the　past；　andweeping　in　an　anguish　in　which　Florence　had　no　part。　And　all　of　this　filled　Florence　with　terriblefear；　which；　which　was　immediately　transformed　into　anger。　‘Gabriel　can　take　care　of　you；’　shesaid；　her　voice　shaking　with　malice。　‘Gabriel　ain’t　never　going　to　leave　you。　Is　you；　boy？’　and　shelooked　at　him。　He　stood；　stupid　with　bewilderment　and　grief；　a　few　inches　from　the　bed。　‘But　me；’
　　she　said；　‘I　got　to　go。’　She　walked　to　the　center　of　the　room　again；　and　picked　up　her　bag。
　　‘Girl；’　Gabriel　whispered；　‘ain’t　you　got　feelings　at　all？’
　　‘Lord！’　her　mother　cried；　and　at　the　sound　her　heart　turned　over；　she　and　Gabriel；　arrested；stared　at　the　bed。　‘Lord；　Lord；　Lord！　Lord；　have　mercy　on　my　sinful　daughter！　Stretch　out　yourhand　and　hold　her　back　from　the　lake　that　burns　forever！　Oh；　my　Lord；　my　Lord！’　and　her　voicedropped；　and　broke；　and　tears　ran　down　her　face。　‘Lord；　I　done　my　best　with　all　the　children　whatyou　give　me。　Lord；　have　mercy　on　my　children；　and　my　children’s　children。’
　　‘Florence；’　said　Gabriel；　‘please　don’t　go。　You　ain’t　really　fixing　to　go　and　leave　her　likethis？’
　　　Tears　stood　suddenly　in　her　own　eyes；　though　she　could　not　have　said　what　she　was　cryingfor。　‘Leave　me　be；’　she　said　to　Gabriel；　and　picked　up　her　bag　again。　She　opened　the　door；　thecold；　morning　air　came　in。　‘Good…bye。’　she　said。　And　then　to　Gabriel：　‘Tell　her　I　said　good…bye。’
　　She　walked　through　the　cabin　door　and　down　the　short　steps　into　the　frosty　yard。　Gabriel　watchedher；　standing　frozen　between　the　door　and　the　weeping　bed。　Then；　as　her　hand　was　on　the　gate；　heran　before　her；　and　slammed　the　gate　shut。
　　‘Girl；　where　you　going？　What　you　doing？　You　reckon　on　finding　some　men　up　North　todress　you　in　pearls　and　diamonds？’
　　Violently；　she　opened　the　gate　and　moved　out　into　the　road。　He　watched　her　with　his　jawhanging；　and　his　lips　loose　and　wet。　‘If　you　ever　see　me　again；’　she　said；　‘I　won’t　be　wearing　ragslike　yours。’
　　All　over　the　church　there　was　only　the　sound；　more　awful　than　the　deepest　silence；　of　the　prayersof　the　saints　of　God。　Only　the　yellow；　moaning　light　shone　above　them；　making　their　faces　gleamlike　muddy　gold。　Their　faces；　and　their　attitudes；　and　their　many　voices　rising　as　one　voice　madeJohn　think　of　the　deepest　valley；　the　longest　night；　of　Peter　and　Paul　in　the　dungeon　cell；　onepraying　while　the　other　sang；　or　of　endless；　depthless；　swelling　water；　and　no　dry　land　in　sight；　thetrue　believer　clinging　to　a　spar。　And；　thinking　of　to…morrow；　when　the　church　would　rise　up；singing；　under　the　booming　Sunday　light；　he　thought　of　the　light　for　which　they　tarried；　which；　inan　instant；　filled　the　soul；　causing　（throughout　those　iron…dark；　unimaginable　ages　before　John　hade　into　the　world）　the　new…born　in　Christ　to　testify：　Once　I　was　blind　and　now　I　see。
　　And　then　they　sang：　‘Walk　in　the　light；　the　beautiful　light。　Shine　all　around　me　by　day　andby　night；　Jesus；　the　light　of　the　world。’　And　they　sang：　‘Oh；　Lord；　Lord；　I　want　to　be　ready；　I　wantto　be　ready。　I　want　to　be　ready　to　walk　in　Jerusalem　just　like　John。’
　　To　walk　in　Jerusalem　just　like　John。　To…night；　his　mind　was　awash　with　visions：　nothingremained。　He　was　ill　with　doubt　and　searching。　He　longed　for　a　light　that　would　teach　him；　foreverand　forever；　and　beyond　all　question；　the　way　to　go；　for　a　power　that　would　bind　him；　forever　andforever；　and　beyond　all　crying；　to　the　love　of　God。　Or　else　he　wished　to　stand　up　now；　and　leavethis　tabernacle　and　never　see　these　people　any　more。　Fury　and　anguish　filled　him；　unbearable；unanswerable；　his　mind　was　stretched　to　breaking。　For　it　was　time　that　filled　his　mind；　time　thatwas　violent　with　the　mysterious　love　of　God。　And　his　mind　could　not　contain　the　terrible　stretch　oftime　that　united　twelve　men　fishing　by　the　shores　of　Galilee；　and　black　men　weeping　on　theirknees　to…night；　and　he；　a　witness。
　　My　soul　is　a　witness　for　my　Lord。　There　was　an　awful　silence　at　the　bottom　of　John’s　mind；a　dreadful　weight；　a　dreadful　speculation。　And　not　even　a　speculation；　but　a　deep；　deep　turning；　asof　something　huge；　black；　shapeless；　for　ages　dead　on　the　ocean　floor；　that　now　felt　its　restdisturbed　by　a　faint；　far　wind；　which　bid　it：　‘Arise。’　And　this　weight　began　to　move　at　the　bottomof　John’s　mind；　in　a　silence　like　the　silence　of　the　void　before　creation；　and　he　began　to　feel　aterror　he　had　never　felt　before。
　　　And　he　looked　around　the　church；　at　the　people　praying　there。　Praying　Mother　Washingtonhad　not　e　in　until　all　the　saints　were　on　their　knees；　and　now　she　stood；　the　terrible；　old；　black　；above　his　Aunt　Florence；　helping　her　to　pray。　Her　granddaughter；　Ella　Mae；　had　e　in　with　her；wearing　a　mangy　fur　jacket　over　her　everyday　clothes。　She　knelt　heavily　in　a　corner　near　the　piano；under　the　sign　that　spoke　of　the　wage　of　sin；　and　now　and　again　she　moaned。　Elisha　had　not　lookedup　when　she　came　in；　and　he　prayed　in　silence：　sweat　stood　on　his　brow。　Sister　McCandless　andSister　Price　cried　out　every　now　and　again：　‘Yes；　Lord！’　or：　‘Bless　your　name；　Jesus！’　And　hisfather　prayed；　his　head　lifted　up　and　his　voice　going　on　like　a　distant　mountain　stream。
　　But　his　Aunt　Florence　was　silent；　he　wondered　if　she　slept。　He　had　never　seen　her　prayingin　a　church　before。　He　knew　that　different　people　prayed　in　different　ways：　has　his　aunt　alwaysprayed　in　such　a　silence？　His　mother；　too；　was　silent；　but　he　had　seen　her　pray　before；　and　hersilence　made　him　feel　that　she　was　weeping。　And　why　did　she　weep？　And　why　did　they　e　here；night　after　night；　calling　out　to　a　God　who　cared　nothing　for　them—if；　above　this　flaking　ceiling；there　was　any　God　at　all？　Then　he　remembered　that　the　fool　has　said　in　his　heart；　There　is　no　God—and　he　dropped　his　eyes；　seeing　that　over　his　Aunt　Florence’s　head　Praying　Mother　Washingtonwas　looking　at　him。
　　Frank　sang　the　blues；　and　he　drunk　too　much。　His　skin　was　the　color　of　caramel　candy。　Perhaps　forthis　reason　she　always　thought　of　him　as　having　candy　in　his　mouth；　candy　staining　the　edges　ofhis　straight；　cruel　teeth。　For　a　while　he　wore　a　tiny　mustache；　but　she　made　him　shave　it　off；　for　itmade　him　look；　she　thought；　like　a　half…breed　gigolo。　In　details　such　as　this　he　was　always　veryeasy—he　would　always　put　on　a　clean　shirt；　or　get　his　hair　cut；　or　e　with　her　to　Uplift　meetingswhere　they　heard　speeches　by　prominent　Negroes　about　the　future　and　duties　of　the　Negro　race。
　　And　this　had　given　her；　in　the　beginning　of　their　marriage；　the　impression　that　she　controlled　him。
　　This　impression　had　been　entirely　and　disastrously　false。
　　When　he　had　left　her；　more　than　twenty　years　before；　and　after　more　than　ten　years　ofmarriage；　she　had　felt　for　that　moment　only　an　exhausted　exasperation　and　a　vast　relief。　He　had　notbeen　home　for　two　days　and　three　nights；　and　when　he　did　return　they　quarreled　with　more　thantheir　usual　bitterness。　All　of　the　rage　she　had　accumulated　during　their　marriage　was　told　him　inthat　evening　as　they　stood　in　their　small　kitchen。　He　was　still　wearing　overalls；　and　he　had　notshaved；　and　his　face　was　muddy　with　sweat　and　dirt。　He　had　said　nothing　for　a　long　while；　andthen　he　had　said：　‘All　right；　baby。　I　guess　you　don’t　never　want　to　see　me　no　more；　not　a　miserable；black　sinner　like　me。’　The　door　closed　behind　him；　and　she　heard　his　feet　echoing　down　the　longhall；　away。　She　stood　alone　in　the　kitchen；　holding　the　empty　coffee…pot　that　she　had　been　about　towash。　She　thought：　‘He’ll　e　back；　and　he’ll　e　back　drunk。’　And　then　she　had　thought；looking　about　the　kitchen：　‘Lord；　wouldn’t　it　be　a　blessing　if　he　didn’t　never　e　back　no　more。’
　　The　Lord　had　given　her　what　she　said　she　wanted；　as　was　often；　she　had　found；　His　bewilderingmethod　of　answering　prayer。　Frank　never　did　e　back。　He　lived　for　a　long　while　with　anotherwoman；　and　when　the　war　came　he　died　in　France。
　　Now；　somewhere　at　the　other　end　of　the　earth；　her　husband　lay　buried。　He　slept　in　a　landhis