anner.bloodandgold-第13部分

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ts　struck　me　often　as　particularly　cruel。　I　was　pitifully　ignorant　as　to　my　own　nature；　and　perpetually　brooding　on　my　eternal　fate。
　　　Akasha's　silence　struck　me　as　terrifying　and　confusing。　After　all；　why　was　I　asked　by　Akasha　to　take　her　out　of　Egypt　if　she　meant　only　to　sit　upon　her　throne　in　eternal　stillness？　It　seemed　sometimes　that　self…destruction　was　preferable　to　the　existence　I　endured。
　　　Then　came　the　exquisite　Pandora　into　my　midst；　a　woman　I'd　known　since　her　girlhood　in　Rome。　Indeed；　I'd　once　gone　to　her　father　to　seek　her　hand　in　marriage　when　she'd　been　only　a　precocious　child。　And　here　she　was　in　Antioch；　as　lovely　in　the　prime　of　life　as　she'd　been　in　her　youth；　flooding　my　thoughts　with　impossible　desire。
　　　Our　lives　became　fatally　intertwined。　Indeed　the　speed　and　violence　with　which　Pandora　was　made　a　blood　drinker　left　me　weak　with　guilt　and　confusion。　But　Pandora　believed　that　Akasha　had　willed　our　union；　Akasha　had　hearkened　to　my　loneliness；　Akasha　had　drawn　Pandora　
　　　to　me
　　　If　you　saw　our　council　table；　round　which　we　sat　when　Akasha　rose；　then　you　have　seen　Pandora；　the　tall　white…skinned　beauty　with　the　distinct　rippling　brown　hair；　one　who　is　now　a　powerful　Child　of　the　Millennia　just　as　you　are　and　just　as　I　am。
　　　Why　am　I　not　with　her　now；　you　may　ask？　What　is　it　in　me　that　will　not　acknowledge　my　admiration　for　her　mind；　her　beauty；　her
　　　　exquisite　understanding　of　all　things？
　　　Why　can't　I　go　to　her！
　　　I　don't　know。　I　know　only　that　a　terrible　anger　and　pain　divides　us　just　as　it　did　so　many　years　ago。　I　cannot　admit　how　much　I　have　wronged　her。　I　cannot　admit　how　much　I　have　lied　about　my　love　of　her　and　my　need　of　her。　And　this　need；　perhaps　this　need　is　the　thing　which　keeps　me　at　a　distance；　where　I　am　safe　from　the　scrutiny　of　her　soft　and　wise　brown　eyes。
　　　It's　also　true　that　she　judges　me　harshly　for　things　I　have　lately　done。　But　this　is　too　difficult　to　explain。
　　　In　those　ancient　times；　when　it　was　scarce　two　centuries　that　we　lived　together；　it　was　I　who　destroyed　our　union　in　a　foolish　and　dreadful　way。　We　had　spent　almost　every　night　of　our　lives　quarreling；　and　I　could　not　admit　her　advantages；　and　her　victories；　and　it　was　as　the　result　of　my　weakness　that　I　foolishly　and　impetuously　left　her　when　I　did。
　　　This　was　the　single　worst　mistake　of　all　my　long　years。
　　　But　let　me　tell　quickly　the　little　tale　of　how　we　came　to　be　divided　by　my　bitterness　and　pride。
　　　Now　as　we　kept　the　Mother　and　the　Father；　the　old　gods　of　the　dark　groves　of　the　North　woods　died　out。　Nevertheless　an　occasional　blood　drinker　would　discover　us　and　e　to　press　his　suit　for　the　blood　of　Those　Who　Must　Be　Kept。
　　　Most　often　such　a　monster　was　violent　and　easily　dispatched　in　the　heat　of　anger；　and　we　would　return　to　our　civilized　life。
　　　One　evening；　however；　there　appeared　in　our　villa　outside　Antioch　a　band　of　newly　made　blood　drinkers；　some　five　in　number；　all　dressed　in　simple　robes。
　　　I　was　soon　amazed　to　discover　that　they　perceived　themselves　as　serving　Satan　within　a　Divine　Plan　that　held　the　Devil　to　be　equal　in　power　to　the　Christian　God。
　　　They　did　not　know　of　the　Mother　and　the　Father；　and　understand；　the　shrine　was　in　that　very　house；　down；　beneath　the　floor。　Yet　they　could　hear　no　inkling　of　the　Divine　Parents。　They　were　far　too　young　and　too　innocent。　Indeed；　their　zeal　and　sincerity　was　enough　to　break　one's　heart。
　　　But　though　deeply　touched　by　their　mishmash　of　Christian　and　Persian　ideas；　of　their　wild　notions；　and　by　their　curious　appearance　of　innocence；　I　was　also　horrified　by　the　fact　that　this　was　a　new　religion　among　the　blood　drinkers；　and　they　spoke　of　other　adherents。　They　spoke　of　a　cult。
　　　The　human　in　me　was　revolted；　and　the　rational　Roman　was　more　confused　and　alarmed　than　I　can　express。
　　　
　　　
　　　It　was　Pandora　who　quickly　brought　me　to　my　senses　and　gave　me　to　know　that　we　must　slaughter　the　whole　band。　Were　we　to　let　them　go；　others　would　e　to　us；　and　soon　the　Mother　and　Father　might　fall　into　their　hands。
　　　I；　who　had　slain　old　pagan　blood　drinkers　with　ease；　seemed　　somehow　unable　to　obey　her；　perhaps　because　I　realized　for　the　first　time　that　if　we　remained　in　Antioch；　if　we　maintained　our　household　and　our　lives；　more　and　more　blood　drinkers　would　e　and　there　would　be　no　end　to　killing　them　in　order　to　protect　our　fine　secret。　And　my　soul　suddenly　could　not　endure　this　possibility。　Indeed　I　thought　once　more　of　death　for　myself　and　even　for　Those　Who　Must　Be　Kept。
　　　We　slaughtered　the　zealots。　It　was　a　simple　thing　to　do　for　they　were　so　young。　It　took　only　moments　with　torches　and　with　our　swords。　We　burnt　them　to　ashes　and　then　scattered　those　ashes　as；　I'm　sure　you　know；　must　be　done。
　　　But　after　it　was　over；　I　lapsed　into　a　terrible　silence　and　for　months　would　not　leave　the　shrine。　I　abandoned　Pandora　for　my　own　suffering。
　　　　　I　couldn't　explain　to　her　that　I　had　foreseen　a　grim　future；　and　when　she　had　gone　out　to　hunt　the　city　or　to　do　whatever　amused　her；　I　went　to　Akasha。
　　　I　went　to　my　Queen。　I　knelt　before　her　and　I　asked　her　what　she　meant　for　me　to　do。
　　　〃After　all；〃　I　said；　〃these　are　your　children；　are　they　not？　They　e　in　new　battalions　and　they　don't　know　your　name。　They　likened　their　fangs　to　those　of　serpents。　They　spoke　of　the　Hebrew　prophet　Moses；　holding　up　the　serpent　staff　in　the　desert。　They　spoke　of　others　who　might　e。〃
　　　No　answer　came　from　Akasha。　No　real　answer　was　to　e　from　Akasha　for　two　thousand　years。
　　　But　I　was　only　beginning　my　awful　journey　then。　And　all　I　knew　in　those　anxious　moments　was　that　I　had　to　conceal　my　prayers　from　Pandora；　that　I　couldn't　let　her　see　me…Marius；　the　philosopher…on　bended　knee。　I　went　on　with　my　praying；　I　went　on　with　my　feverish　worship。　And　as　always　happens　when　one　prays　to　an　immobile　thing；　the　light　played　upon　the　face　of　Akasha；　the　light　gave　some　
　　　semblance　of　life。
　　　Meantime；　Pandora；　as　embittered　by　my　silence　as　I　was　by　Akasha's　silence；　became　utterly　distraught。
　　　And　one　night　she　hurled　at　me　a　simple　household　insult；　〃Would　that　I　were　rid　of　them　and　rid　of　you。〃
　　　
　　　She　left　the　house　and　she　did　not　return　the　next　night　or　the　night　after　that。
　　　As　you　can　see；　she　was　merely　playing　the　same　game　with　me　that　I　had　played　with　her。　She　refused　to　be　a　witness　to　my　hardness。　But　she　could　not　understand　how　desperately　I　needed　her　presence；　and　even　her　vain　pleas。
　　　Oh；　it　was　so　shamefully　selfish　of　me。　It　was　such　a　needless　disaster
　　　　but　powerfully　angry　with　her；　I　took　the　irrevocable　step　of　arranging　for　my　departure　from　Antioch　by　day。
　　　Indeed；　by　the　light　of　the　dim　lamp；　so　as　not　to　arouse　my　mortal　agents；　I　gave　orders　for　myself　and　Those　Who　Must　Be　Kept　to　be　transported　in　three　immense　sarcophaghi　to　Rome　by　sea。　I　abandoned
　　　　my　Pandora。　I　took　with　me　all　that　was　mine　and　left　her　only　the　empty　villa；　with　her　own　possessions　strewn　rather　carelessly　and　insultingly　around　it。　I　left　the　only　creature　in　the　world　who　could　have　patience　with　me；　who　could　give　me　understanding；　and　who　had　done　so；　no　matter　how　often　or　how　hard　we　had　fought。
　　　I　left　the　only　being　who　knew　what　I　was！
　　　Of　course　I　didn't　know　the　consequences。　I　didn't　realize　that　I　would　not　find　Pandora　for　hundreds　of　years。　I　didn't　know　that　she　would　bee　a　goddess　in　my　mind；　a　being　as　powerful　in　my　
　　　memory　as　Akasha　was　to　me　night　after　night。
　　　You　see；　it　was　another　lie；　like　unto　the　lie　I've　told　about　Akasha。　I　loved　Pandora　and　I　needed　her。　But　in　our　verbal　bat；　I　had　always；　no　matter　how　emotional；　played　the　role　of　the　superior　mind　who　was　in　no　need　of　her　seemingly　irrational　discourse　and　always　evident　affection。　I　remember　the　very　night　that　I　gave　her　the　Dark　Blood　how　she　had　argued　with　me。
　　　She　said；　〃Don't　make　a　religion　of　reason　and　logic。　Because　in　the　passage　of　time　reason　may　fail　you　and　when　it　does；　you　may　find　yourself　taking　refuge　in　madness。〃　I　was　so　offended　by　these　words　ing　from　the　mouth　of　this　beautiful　woman　whose　eyes　so　entranced　me　that　I　could　scarce　follow　her　thoughts。
　　　Yet　in　those　months　of　silence；　after　we　had　slain　the　New　Believers；
　　　　this　was　precisely　what　had　happened。　I　had　lapsed　into　a　form　of　badness　and　refused　to　speak　a　word。
　　　And　only　now　can　I　admit　the　full　folly　of　it；　that　my　own　weakness　was　unsupportable　to　me；　and　that　I　could　not　endure　having　her　as　the
　　　witness　of　the　melancholy　which　shrouded　my　soul。
　　　Even　now；　I　cannot　have　her　as　a　witness　to　my　suffering。　I　live　here　alone；　with　Daniel。　I　speak　to　you　because　you　are　a　new　friend　and　can　take　from　me　fresh　impressions　and　fresh　suggestions。　You　don't　look　at　me　with　old　knowledge　and　old　fear。　But　let　me　go　on　with　my　tale。
　　　Our　ship　arrived　at　the　port　of　Ostia　in　good　order；　and　once　we　had　been　transported　in　three　sarcophaghi　to　the　city　of　Rome；　I　rose　from　my　〃grave；〃　made　arrangements　for　an　expensive　villa　just　outside　the　city　walls；　and　arranged　an　underground　shrine　for　Those　Who　Must　Be　Kept　in　the　hills　well　away　from　the　house。
　　　A　great　guilt　weighed　m